2 Hugs
Not pictured. The perfect hug that didn’t need to be captured with a photo.
11 months ago I went to a podcast taping and my writer's block came hours later. I came up to New York for about 18 hours just to see this in person. I had a countdown and couldn’t believe I would witness two amazing women talk. I remember practically floating back the 7 blocks (and 5 avenues) to my Uncle Bruce’s apartment to crash for the night. I talked excitedly the entire way back to family; just rambling about everything that was discussed, who was there and every little detail I could remember. I got on the train the next day with treats I had been missing from the City and sat down to immediately write my new post. I opened up a blank document on Google Docs and I got one sentence out before all the words I ever knew disappeared. I tried for another hour just staring at the screen and got 3 sentences out. Read them. Hated them. Deleted them. Spent the rest of the train ride trying to just let my mind replay the previous night's events to see if something would spark an idea. In reality, I played Candy Crush and got nothing accomplished.
The next day at work, I walked in beaming; so excited to share my experience with my coworkers. I couldn’t stop raving about it. I just kept saying “I wished it was longer! I could have listened to them speak for hours”. I got home that night and got myself situated like I normally do to work on the post and once again; nothing. A few more sentences slowly typed out. A few more sentences deleted. I forced out another paragraph and left it for the next day. That’s normally not my style. I write it all at once. The sentences pour out of me and then I edit. I figured I was overthinking it and would take the next day to focus on other things and come back to it with a fresh set of eyes. The next day when I got home I opened up the document and said out loud to no one “What the fuck did I write? None of this makes sense.” I deleted the whole thing and figured I would try again in a few days. A few days became a few weeks and then a few months.
During that time, I fell into a deep depression and I couldn’t even fathom writing. It was too hard. Talking about my feelings in therapy was draining enough, I didn’t have it in me to share anything else. Then came the fake scare. When they found something and it turned out to be nothing but months later we realized it was Carl all along being a dick and was actually something. The podcast and the post were always on my mind. Sometimes a word or two would come to mind but leave just as quickly. I figured when the time was right my brain would know what to do. Then my chemo brain was back. The word recall was getting worse and I couldn’t imagine writing anything cohesive at that point. I felt like the memories of this super important night in my life would disappear just like the words I couldn’t find to describe them.
Finally, a few days ago, I was trying to focus on why that night was so special to me and why it was so important that I had to write about it. Mainly, it’s because the host & the guest saved my life. The podcast in question, “Cancer Straight Talk”, hosted by none other, Dr. Reidy. She literally saved my life. The best oncologist in the world who has been my champion for the past 4 ½ years. Her guest, Katie Couric. She single handedly brought Colon Cancer Awareness to the public and in a HUGE way. She has done more for this disease than any other person. Without her committed fight to bring awareness but for early screening, I would not be as lucky if I was going through this 5, 10 or 20 years ago. These two brilliant women having a discussion not only about colon cancer but about early onset and the increase in young adults made me feel like this discussion was just for me. Contrary to belief that the world does not revolve around me and my cancer, the interview had many other important and insightful topics.
Let me rewind a bit to how I got to the podcast taping. I was obviously aware of Dr. Reidy’s podcast because: 1 - I’m her patient, 2 - I follow Sloan & her on Instagram and 3 - I had previously been on one of her episodes that discussed dating after cancer. It was a brief appearance and it did not make my family uncomfortable at all when I discussed sex. (please note the use of sarcasm here) I just had my routine scan and in my check-in with Dr. Reidy she mentioned she would be doing a live interview she thought I would love. She was not wrong. She told me who the guest was going to be and I immediately shouted out “SHE HAD A COLONOSCOPY LIVE ON TV!” with none of the chill vibes I may possibly have. Dr. Reidy laughed and said yes and told me what they were going to talk about, including Katie’s documentary and other topics that had been discussed between them. She told me that if I could get off work and wouldn’t mind coming back up to NY, it would be really helpful for me. I told her of course I would make it work and there was also a big part of me wanting to go was because I wanted to hug her. Having gone through cancer for a 2nd time and not seeing Dr. Reidy in person was hard for me. No celebratory or comfort hugs for 2 years. We were due. She gave me the information and I said I would see her in a couple months, in person.
Thursday March 16th, I am on the Acela to NY so amped I don’t know how I sat in my seat calmly for the 3 hours. I couldn’t focus on the book I was reading at the time. Candy Crush and other games weren’t enough to keep me entertained. I kept thinking what I would say if I got the chance to talk to Katie. And also a little worried I would knock Dr. Reidy over how tightly I wanted to squeeze her. She is tiny but mighty and her high-ass heels were nothing to mess with. Hailing a taxi outside of Penn Station had a brief moment of nostalgia and then quickly went away when I realized how awful midtown is. I made my way over to my Uncle Bruce’s apartment to relax for a bit and change before I headed out. I made a last minute decision to treat myself to a manicure so I would look my BEST for an audio recording. On my walk to the Paley Center, I stopped for a minute outside my old job at the Universal Music offices. I couldn’t believe how much had changed since I had last been there. Brief thoughts of what-if’s came to mind but I forced myself to walk away before I fell down that rabbit hole.
Me trying not to go down the mental rabbit hole in rush hour in midtown.
I got to the Paley Center a couple minutes before they said the doors were going to be opened. I didn’t know how big the space was. No clue how many seats there were. I just wanted to get a good one to feel as close as I could to these amazing women. As soon as I walked in, there was the step & repeat set up and a whole thing highlighting what was happening that night. I wandered around a small public exhibit they had set up before they could let people up. As I was staring at my phone, willing time to move faster, I asked one of the event crew if it was better to stay downstairs and see them or go straight to get a seat. She told me to go upstairs because there were only 50 seats available. Ok. So much more intimate than I thought. I took the elevator up to the assigned floor with a couple other women who seemed excited but also a little hesitant. No one asked why we were each here or what relationship we had to this discussion. It wasn’t awkward at all. As each person walked in, we were given an index card and a pencil to write down a question we had for them to answer during the podcast. I was so caught off guard. One question? Are you kidding? I had like 30 without even thinking about it. I grasped the card tightly and found a seat in the 2nd row next to a nice looking middle aged couple. (First row was saved for those speaking and family.)
I texted my family and a couple friends letting them know I was there and how excited I was to get a ticket for this much smaller affair. I stared at the card for 5 minutes trying to narrow down the questions that needed to come out of my brain. I had plenty of time before it started, so I used some of that time to just people watch. I wanted to know everyone’s motives for being there. Who were they there for? Did they have colon cancer? Were they also one of Dr. Reidy’s patients? Did they also listen to her podcast while they cleaned their apartment so they wouldn’t be a crying mess on the commute to/from work? Nope. Just me then. Cool. As I started to write the beginning of a question I would end up throwing away, the couple next to me said something I barely heard. I apologized and asked them to repeat it. They were so excited to see Katie Couric in person and were such fans of her. They started rambling on about seeing her speak at different events and how they knew they had to see her speak at this even though they didn’t know anything about “Cancer Straight Talk”. After a few minutes of nodding and mmhm’s later they finally asked why I was here. I simply said “Dr. Reidy”. They looked so confused. I calmly repeated myself; “Dr. Reidy. She’s my oncologist. I have stage IV Colon Cancer and I’m here for her. And Katie too because she’s amazing but mostly Dr. Reidy”. They just sat there stunned for a few seconds trying not to seem so taken aback. They said a couple nice sentiments and I laughed on the inside how uncomfortable they now seemed and did not expect that answer. I don’t intend to make people uncomfortable.
As I tried to come up with a real question that I could submit I couldn’t stop smiling over that conversation. I couldn’t get over that a couple had come to see a podcast about cancer and the guest is often known for her work for cancer awareness & research as well just overcoming her own cancer diagnosis. I love experiencing these real life awkward cancer moments because I never expect what someone’s reaction will be. I kept glancing around to see if anyone else might be having similar awkward conversations. Of course not. Only me. I asked one of the staff for another card. I then tried to really focus on my question. Even though there was a huge stack of questions people had already submitted, I really wanted to get one in. I felt like it had to be one for both of them or just for Katie because I could always message Dr. Reidy any time. That narrowed the questions by like 5. Not helpful. The odds of them even choosing my card was small but I wanted to be part of this discussion because it was my life. I was affected by it. I am the outcome of all their work. I didn’t care about anyone else in that room at that moment. I eventually wrote a question for Katie asking how/why she chooses which area to focus on when fundraising or writing about when there are endless options.
A couple minutes later you could hear lots of talking and excitement coming down the hall. And then in walked these two power houses in white suits. They looked like 2 bad ass bitches ready to shatter some ceilings. I immediately breathed a sigh of relief knowing I was back in the same room as my doctor. Not like I would need her that night for a medical reason. Just that things were all right in the world. I’m not one to get star struck, but I did feel a sense of awe knowing I was getting a chance to listen to the Katie Couric talk about something that mattered so deeply to me. I was someone who was going to be in the know. My heart was racing with anticipation. I wanted the speakers from the Paley Center to wrap up whatever they had to say and get to the main event. Yes, they were very good speakers and yes, I’m so happy they helped make that night possible. After the first speaker, Dr. Reidy looked over from where she was sitting and saw me and the biggest smile came across her face and she mouthed “You’re here!” and then I started to tear up because I cry at everything.
Then it was time for the main event. Everyone sat up a little straighter. Everyone got out their phones to take pictures of them getting set up in the recording studio. I took 3 big deep breaths to try and calm myself. I told myself to ignore everything around me and to remember everything that was said. Shortly after the interview began I realized how dumb I was. Not to do with thinking this was about me. But because these women are so insanely smart and listening to them talk about so many topics and being so well read and up to date on all of the information was astounding to take in. I couldn’t understand how their brains held that much information and how they were not praised more every single day for what they know or do. Yes, I am fully aware they both have earned major awards in both their fields so it hasn’t gone unnoticed. But listening to their lively discussion just blew me away. How do their brains function? Just like how? I didn’t and still don’t get it. They could recall so many specific dates and quotes and stats so quickly I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t believe I was even like a fly on the wall during this.
They of course brought up Katie’s former husband who died of colon cancer in 1998 at the age of 42. I can still remember sitting at my kitchen table having breakfast when she had her colonoscopy live on air in 2000. I remember being 15 and not fully understanding what was happening but knew it was a big deal. When I had my 1st colonoscopy at 34 in 2019, I remember thinking how in the actual fuck did she do this with millions of people watching!?!? To be one of the world’s top journalists, a working mom of 2 while grieving and having the bravery to do what she did was astounding. Now that is inspiring. This woman put herself and her devastating loss out into the world in hopes it would help even one person. I can’t imagine doing what she did and has continued to do. As they played the audio recording of that now famous March day, she was sharing jokes and behind the scenes fun facts. And that’s where I felt a little more comfortable. In that uncomfortable space between being scared and needing a laugh.
That colonoscopy would lead to what is now called “The Couric Effect”. After that broadcast, it led to a 20% increase nationwide in scheduling colonoscopies. 19 years later it would help lower the age of recommended screenings from 50 to 45. What a fucking huge accomplishment. She single-handedly brought colon cancer awareness to the table. She let the world know that it wasn’t a disease that only affected men over 50 with a history of smoking, unhealthy eating habits who also did not physically take care of themselves. This was discussed for a while which then segued into the part of me awkwardly crying in public. Again. The discussion then turned its focus towards the rise of early onset diagnosis and this disease was now including more women than ever before. Just as Dr. Reidy was starting off her introduction to this she said how important and vital it was to know the signs and to go to a doctor when something seems wrong. She said it was personal to her because not only was it her job but because she had patients in the audience. (Hello. Hi. It’s Me.) She looked at me for a quick moment and I felt like the most important person there. As they discussed how this disease is now on the rise for those under 40 and popular misconceptions; she said the one sentence she says to me every time we talk. The one sentence that always makes me cry even though it’s supposed to make me smile. She said “To those who are going through this; I need you to understand you did nothing wrong. Nothing you ate or drank or did caused this. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.” The tears just openly poured down my cheeks. With no family history of colon cancer and no known cause of the disease it is so easy to say why me? What happened to that 1 cell that made it mutate? It doesn’t help when people ask “Did you eat a lot of hot dogs? Did you eat a lot of candy? Did you eat a lot of red meat? Are you a vegetarian? Were you ever overweight? Did you smoke?” What if I had said yes to any of those questions - would that justify me having Stage IV cancer and losing both my ovaries and part of my colon? What are you hoping to get out of asking that question? So, for Dr. Reidy to say it that evening; it was a beacon of light when I was starting to feel myself slipping into the darkness. That is the mantra I say over and over and over again when I’m having a hard time. I didn’t look around to see if anyone else was moved by this or were nodding in agreement. I didn’t need to know. Katie responded how important that it was to hear and that none of those questions I had been asked proved to be the cause of colon cancer.
They talked more about advancements in treatment, the use of AI, where Katie goes to do her research and who she talks with when researching and then it turned to her documentary she was making about Breast Cancer awareness. She wanted to bring The Katie Couric effect to this disease since screenings are often made harder due to insurance companies & their policies. This has also been made harder due to COVID when so many screenings were pushed back or canceled. While filming her mammogram, she found out she herself had Breast Cancer. Her openness in discussing what she thought and went through was so important to hear. Her force of nature attitude is so admirable and her unwavering strength is a real life super power.
A little over an hour and a half after the podcast had begun they had time for audience questions. They would only be able to answer 2 or 3 of them. I don’t remember what they were. I know they weren’t mine. And I wasn’t mad because it wasn’t my best question. I wanted to ask her all the questions. I wanted to look at Dr. Reidy’s notes and see what questions she didn’t ask that I wanted to. I wanted to know more details. I wanted them both to talk more about studies and symptoms and side effects. And then it was over. It felt like 15 minutes had passed. I could have easily sat for another 2 hours. I was well past dinner but I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted more time to listen to these women talk. Even if I couldn’t say anything, I just wanted to absorb as much information as I could. I need to know everything because I often feel like I know nothing about what has infiltrated my life.
Once they came out everyone was very eager to get pictures and a minute of their time. I only had to wait a couple minutes before Dr. Reidy came over to me. She squeezed me so tight and whispered in my ear, “Hi Baby Girl. I’m so happy you’re here!” I told her how long I was counting down until that hug and how everything tonight was just what I needed. I got another hug before she was off talking to someone else. I got what I came for and it was beyond anything I thought it would be. I waited patiently to talk to Katie Couric. I introduced myself and told her how I was a patient of Dr. Reidy’s and thanked her for all her work because it meant so much to me and how much I admired her. She started asking me questions about my age, how I found out I was sick and so on. She wasn’t rushing me either. We talked for a couple minutes and her sincerity and curiosity was so genuine. She gave me a hug and wished me well when our conversation was over. It was an added bonus to my night. I thanked her one more time before I left.
I remember walking back cutting through secret walkways and buildings that cut across uptown without dealing with crowds so I could talk to my family. I remember feeling like the walk back was so much faster than the walk over. I was just on cloud 9. The chilly night March air didn’t feel cold against me. I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to be in the presence of these 2 brilliant women. I tried so hard to remember every single word but they were quickly slipping away. I was mad at myself that I didn't take notes or write down quotes. I wished for more time but reminded myself I was lucky enough to be able to attend. As I got back to Uncle Bruce’s apartment I thought of all these major and not major choices that got me into that room that younger Jen would never have thought would be a part of. I didn’t understand how the universe worked and would do anything to not have cancer but that night I beamed with pride that MY doctor is so fucking talented on top of being a genius and she gets to talk to people like Katie fucking Couric who change the world for the good. And somehow I was in that orbit.
Over the 11 months that have gone by I couldn’t put my finger on how to describe that night. And I don’t think I even did it justice. It was a night that meant a lot to me because of who was there and what I’ve been through. I realized that I was trying to translate feelings into words and I just can’t do it with this. Like so many cancer related things, I am the only one going through it. I didn’t ask the couple next to me at the end what they thought. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. That night was for me to see and hear 2 women who have done more for me than they will ever know. But it was those 2 hugs that I still think about whenever I need some extra strength.